...some things r better left as memories...

moving on..for real..

2008-01-11T15:17:00.000+08:00

hi people...i have moved on...this time is for real...

www.rachoo58.wordpress.com

inspired by xuan and her bloggie....my new place is not really well-equipped and set-up...just needed to post smthg urgently so make do with it first!

some of my new posts will be password protected...if you want to know more come and ask me for the password...i will consider if i want to share it with you!

thanks for your ardent support and great interest in my life...wahahaha!

HKU

2008-01-10T00:30:00.000+08:00

i have been contemplating whether to apply for INSTEP...an international student exchange programme to the University of Hong Kong (HKU)...there are a lot of concerns and issues in my mind about going for this exchange....

Am i able to adapt to the living environment there? living all alone and doing all the chores on my own...this time is entirely on my own...can i survive for about 4 months?
Leaving my family and friends behind...i noe its just a short 4 months...but can i do it?
How am i going to settle my contemporary social theory module in year 3 sem 1 when im away in HKU doing exchange..i dun wanna do that module in my year 4!

These are my 3 major concerns that are pulling me back from submitting the online application...i still have time though....it closes only next fri on the 18th jan...but i wish to make a decision fast....stop e procrastination....actually i roughly have an answer already...i probably just need a bit more assurance....

sick again!

2008-01-05T03:33:00.000+08:00

i can't slp...burning with high fever...oh man...wat went wrong...i was feeling tired for e entire day at home and i skipped e 1st Prayer Meeting of e year coz i was so lethargic! fell aslp at 10 plus in e night...very early for me...dunno since when i last slept at 10pm...but little do i noe i will run a high fever at 2am in e mrng...not feeling ok at all! emitting heat yet im feeling damn cold!

i was just looking thru some previous posts before i slept and exactly 2 years ago i was also running a high fever...oh my! and i walked pass my neighbourhood clinic in e evening thinking to myself that im quite happie tt i havent fallen sick for about 2 months...and den...my gosh...less den 6 hrs im running a fever!

and who do you think of the most in times like this?

Welcome 2008!

2008-01-01T21:39:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to all...i somehow have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a very exciting year for me! Much more surprises awaiting me yea...it started off with a bang...so naturally its going to be a great year! HAHAHA...ok im still a bit high!

Quote of e year: Cherish the Moment...

the new year resolution

2007-12-31T06:27:00.000+08:00

yes xuan! its a deal...31st dec shall be it! i have about 18 hours to e end of it after 2 whole years...gosh! so yup...may 2008 be a year of pleasant surprises and precious memories...

Happy Birthday Jesus!

2007-12-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so glad its Christmas
All the tinsel and lights
And the presents are nice
But the real gift is You.

Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so glad its Christmas
All the carols and bells
Make the holiday swell
And it's all about You

Happy birthday Jesus
Jesus I love You!

so sweet...love this song..esp when its sung by children...

我不明白...

2007-12-19T01:13:00.000+08:00

as i grow up...im beginning to realise tt i dun always understand what the pple ard me are thinking...actually i tot i dun really care but den again...the issue of responsibility bugs me! i wish i cld jus do what i like and want and need not be bothered with how it affects the others ard me...but i noe vert well that is not the way to be...

i noe that in life...you ought to protect yourself and sometimes sacrificing some other pple in the process of seeking wat you want is inevitable...but i noe i cannot be so selfish....yet at the same time who doesnt noe that human beings are selfish! sigh...the only comfort i can seek is that only God knows...

if letting you go is key to the release of all these heartaches...i will let you go...

I'm so in love with you

2007-12-13T05:24:00.000+08:00

i cant believe im still not aslp! body clock is permanently screwed...but i cant help it! STEPS is so nice...i cant stop watching it...last episode now...yeay! addicted to STEPS man!

running thru my mind...
我要的可能你真的给不到我...
真的不想放弃...
可是仔细想了几回...
这样下去也不是办法...
心里头的那一种遗憾不能用言语形容...
做人本来就不应该有后悔和遗憾...
我最大的后悔就是死爱面子...
最大的遗憾就是少了勇气...

女人的心声

2007-12-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

女人吗...就是爱想太多...
想知道的却不想问...
那可能就是因为不想听到自己不想听到的答案...
害怕会失去的缘故...
...可是直系想一下...
可能她所拥有的也只不过是以前一段美好的回忆...
...他的人在可是心不在又何苦呢?

God's Messangers

2007-12-01T00:22:00.000+08:00

when someone tell u once..u will probably tink that it was jus a passing remark...when another person tells you smthg similar the second time den it will keep you wondering for awhile...and think maybe its just pure coincidence…and den when a third person comes along and tell u right into your face about the same thing explicitly...den you better know that it is not a joke or coincidence anymore...

some matters have been bothering me for quite awhile...i dun really noe wat approach to take towards these matters and hence i said i wanted to lift them up to God...and being me...i will probably jus chuck them aside and when the same problems come knocking at my door then i'll think about it...but looks like God doesnt want me to chuck these matters aside....He sent 3 pple to come tell me e same things...and the rank simply got higher...pretty scary...how on earth did person 2 and person 3 know what i was thinking apart frm the fact that God actually spoke to them! when i bargained with God about being uncertain...aunty emily came over and prayer for me...and den she said 'dun fear about the future'...my gdness...ok i really noe i must do smthg...but den im jus still so uncertain about myself...Rev James's revelation was smthg which spoke right thru my heart...i noe God mus haf spoken to him if not he wldnt be able to say such things to me...but im just....so worried and unsure! can i really be that good example? so many a times i fumble myself coz making the correct decisions jus ain't as easy as it is being said....i still tink im not that 'grown-up'...here i am looking for an example to follow...and there God is telling me to be an example to be followed...wat an irony…

God are you sure? (ok I noe you are sure…but im not sure..) haiz…its just a sucky feeling….*blues*

post-exams

2007-11-30T00:36:00.000+08:00

the most traumatizing semester of my undergraduate studies has come to an end yest mrng! thank God it ended on a good note and i'm so glad its over! i never ever felt so restless during an exam...i was never so unprepared for a very long time..on hindsight...im quite impressed that i actually managed to survive such a trying semester! as i always say...what doesnt kill me makes me stronger! so racheal is a FIGHTER! hahaha...

year 2007 is coming to an end soon...i tink this is a year which i can say that i 'grew-up' a lot...there were many 'first-times' this year...details shall be spared coz i'll take a scroll to finish writing them down...haha...lotsa significant experiences which resulted in me having a different perspective towards life altogether! I also realised that i've bcum more emo these days...i may not really show it explicitly but i noe that deep down inside...some thing is just not right...i tink its jus part and parcel of growing up! coming to terms with your emotions...well im still learning and wondering what is this 'growing up' all about!

currently very glad that the holidays have started and school is out till next january! yeay! will be taking this opportunity to rest well and rejuvenate myself for year 2 semester 2! so anytime you wan to slack and tok cock sing song play mahjong...CALL ME! wahahaha!

Very Upset

2007-11-22T14:06:00.000+08:00

im feeling so lousy...its not anybody's fault...im trying not to put e blame on myself either...its over...but why e hell am i still pondering about it! utterly screwed...come to tink of it....wasted all my effort studying...i may get a pass for dis paper...but i noe it is definitely not justifiable....
Current Mood: Very upset

the review

2007-11-18T02:16:00.000+08:00

WAH! im finally done with the freaking CLASSICAL SOCIAL THEORY revision! dammmnnnnn SIAN can! gdness...this entry is going to be lingering with a great sigh of relief! see e irony?!?! 'sigh' of 'relief'...dunno whether to cry or smile or wat! i really feel like there is this little playful racheal inside of racheal...trying to get into some mischief during exam period! instead of having to 'lock' myself up at home studying e whole time...i wanna go out! anywhere is fine...anyone is fine...i jus need to get out! damn!

Yeay next week no need to play keys during service! coz its exams week so its a break for me! my 'shifu' is taking over....*claps claps*! kinda miss standing down there among the congregation to worship...no doubt being able to worship God thru playing the keys is an all-so-wonderful experience especially when i get the chords, rhythms, tempo, volume, etc, etc (a million of things to remember!) right....but still i managed to gain my poise most of the time coz i keep reminding myself that as long as i give my best to God...e rest is secondary! so before my break comes dis week....i mus do a review of my past month of playing ALONE! hahaha.....first and foremost...*drum-rolls*

Thank you God for taking all my wrong chords and nonsense I've played all these weeks...I guess sometimes...perhaps You might be thinking..."Oh my gosh...wat are you doing Racheal?!?! Play music not noise!!". Haha..but i noe You will be pleased coz jus like how a Daddy should be proud of His daughter whenever she gives her best! So God...jiayou! (wat rubbish...asking God to jiayou! wahahaha!) and i tink You will still hafta listen to a lot of 'noise' but i will only improve!
Thank you to all members of the Chinese worship team! 没有你们的包容我是不可能做到...even tho i dun consider myself as 'being there' yet...but still i mus thank everyone esp all e worship leaders for your patience and understanding along the way! you all have been of great assistance!
Thank you to all of the Chinese 1630 Service congregation for your high level of tolerance to listen to me play...my motto is 'if you dare to listen i dare to play'....WAHHAHAHA! no choice la...amateur must be thick-skinned to survive!
Thank you to Ps Kristy for always telling me to SMILE and play! hahaha....i really tried but sometimes i get stressed den forget! but dun worry! i'll get that into my head thru more practices! Thank you for the inspirations and motivations! you have been a great blessing for the worship team to have!
Last but very very impt! to you 'shifu'...hahaha (you noe who you are la huh...) I've been sent by God after 10 years of your prayers to 'emancipate' you huh? (check that word out...i noe you cfm dunno wat it means! wahahaha!) but i never told you that you have helped me to revive that passion i once had for the piano/organ/keyboard (whatever you call it!) so yup....thank you for all that you have imparted to me thru e 9 mths, in and out of class...and still ongoing....hahaha...thanks for all e nagging and most of all...THANKS for the forced learning process of throwing me up there alone! indeed it was an experience of a lifetime....ride roller-coaster also dunno whether got so exciting or not....even tho i was damn jittery initially (still am now but less alrdy)...it was thru these times when there was NO ONE TO SAVE ME that i learned the most! im unable to say exactly wat i learnt...jus the experience for me to react to the many 'situations' that may arise...and den also out of bo-bian-ness...i had to use 'sus' chords to sound better..(see now my sus chords quite zai rite! hahaha!)...ya i noe i noe....please get my melody right asap...e deal is next year...i hope no need to extend contract till year 2009...WAHAHAHA! so to my SHI-FU cum '前浪'...后浪给您献上感谢...hahaha... [P.S: stop abandoning me during practices...if not quoting tony "your house in heaven no toilet den you noe!" HAHAHA!]

是非题

2007-11-13T20:09:00.000+08:00

每段故事都有一篇剧情
每段爱情都像动人旋律
一颗真心却只向着你前进
也许爱越单纯越着迷

你是窗外另外一片风景
在你眼里我是什么关系
你的呼吸藏在我的爱情里
何时能诚实面对自己

我们从不开口那个言语
那一句我爱你
永远像少了勇气
别人都说我和你之间的关系
没有人相信只有关心

我们从不正视那个问题
那一些是非题
总让人伤透脑筋
我会期待爱盛开那一个黎明
一定会有美丽的爱情

A song which speaks right through the heart.....

bored of mugging

2007-11-13T17:35:00.000+08:00

sigh...studying for this semester is so sickening! i really haf e 'i-dun-feel-like-studying' vibe kicking in every now and then! but den cannot give in to my instincts coz if nt i'll be screwed! now that im alrdy so dead....it takes almost no effort for me to be screwed for e exams! still trying to stay positive but with much internal conflicts working! ive so much of other things to do apart frm studying but yet im still studying...wah sian man! i need comfort food...loads of them to survive the exams...nv been so distracted in my entire life...every now and den taking breaks to 走更长的路....hope that im not wasting my effort....JIAYOU RACHEAL! 2 weeks to go...and happie happie holidays!

just another random thought for e moment...will Christmas 2007 be merry? what is installed for 2008? another year of chasing after the wind? i hope not man.....

ritey...im gg back to study.....STUDY STUDY STUDY...bleahz!

the start of something new?

2007-11-04T00:45:00.000+08:00

people often say that the last hurdle of any obstacle is often at the very last lap...this means that it is often at the very last stage that pple choose to give up...not realising how near they are to their destination...but when you are 'that person'...been circumscribed to such circumstance...you bloody dun really wanna continue being stuck in there...coz it seems like forever to reach the end.....

giving up is an option of indifference...but it is when you are unable to just walk away and not care but you so much want to be liberated...and that leaves you in such a state of ambivalence...how how how? procrastinate...leave it to tml? the same old problem will just keep coming back....last option...pray! but God you are taking so long to answer me? its like 987654321123456789 years alrdy....why am i still at ground zero? sigh...knocking at your door and wondering are you still there?

i really dunno how to solve the issues on hand....i come before my God...i dunno wat to say...i only can use the tears that flow to tell Him how im feeling...because it is smthg that no words can represent....its jus the helplessness that is overcoming me....i really wanna tok to God...i really wish i was able to express my tots and tell Him everything about my life like a story...but i have somehow lost that ability to do so....everytime i come before Him...close enuf to relate...i lose myself to despair and tears...if there is 1 thing i cld ask for....i wld wanna come clean before God..allow me to re-possess that simple love that i use to have for you...help me set my priorities right...help me to make the correct decisions...help me to do what is favourable in your eyes....all these little intangible things seem so simple....but you really have no idea how difficult is it to achieve them...just how difficult is it to make a difference in this increasingly material world...

just happie!

2007-10-29T00:44:00.000+08:00

i am satisfied...happie....ok ya very happie actually...
GEEHEE...:P

without a trial

2007-10-20T04:13:00.000+08:00

its amazing how the human mind works...or at least i am quite puzzled by how mine work...i hate it when i get controlled by the emotional side of my mind...when i feel i shld be rationalising stuff..i tend to let my emotions get e better of me!

why upset? cant exactly say its a particular reason...but rather an interplay of factors...

i need time off...from everything in life...perhaps even time off frm being myself..and actually who am i to begin with? im beginning to wonder...

sometimes i ask myself W-H-Y?
why am i so fortunate that i dun understand what it is like to be unfortunate?
why am i still complaining that im so fortunate?
why do i get all the things i want in life until this time round?
why does God have to let things turn to this extent?

...everything happens for a reason...but what is the reason(s)? i really feel like im being sentenced without a trial...this is absolutely tiring...

emo attacks

2007-10-13T02:08:00.000+08:00

last minute-ness are just a total turn-off for me...you can never imagine how dis-oriented i can get whenever someone tells me that the plans are changed. Sometimes it is not reflected on my face but deep inside im feeling lousy because i simply dun like the feeling of changing plans at the very last minute...

today's series of events just simply came at the very wrong time...lacking proper sleep and food for the past week...i am in a highly irritable mood...i didnt like the idea of having to do stuff because im obliged to do so...i dun like the idea of working on the basis of assumption....please ASK and dun assume and make an ass out of you and me!

actually its not much of a big deal...just that i cant really explain why i get really so upset...mood swings...i dunno! just feeling all sickened out and jaded...what is the purpose i wonder...its one of those nights again i guess...

Go Away...leave me alone!

Mission Accomplished!

2007-10-11T03:03:00.000+08:00

i noe its a bit late le...haha..but nevertheless...Happie 2'X' Birthday Xiaoshi! (age-sensitive!) even tho i was more surprised den you were....even tho i also got to eat e awfully chocolate HEI ice-cream like it was my birthday! hahaha...i still hope that all the little things here and there were pleasant little surprises for you! i got plan wan hor...1st it is pooh and frens balloons...den it is a box of all our favourite sweets! (note: its OUR favourite so hint hint please SHARE! wahaha!) den followed by the real gift which is your high class shampoo...and den came HEI! ahhahahaha...well this part is coz i wanted to eat it...so in a way...i got it for you coz it looked so cute! heehee...overall i had a fun time collaborating rubbish wif your bunch of crazy colleagues and of coz not forgetting your very S-H-Y boyfren! hahaha!

jus a point to note...pls do not reuse my favourite wrapper coz i can rem even after 1 year! wahahaha...all in all...hope that you have had a great birthday! Mission Accomplished!!

P.S: my usual style of writing such after thoughts are quite emo...hahaha...but coz we tok so much nonsense all e time...its quite hard to be emo dis days! you noe i noe can liao la rite...so yup...we will be looking forward to your next 2'X' birthday and some other big dayS!

babies!

2007-10-04T23:51:00.000+08:00

hmmm..i have been hearing too much about babies dis entire year! pple ard me are having these little bundles of joy added to their families! everytime i read, see, hear about a baby, it gets me all excited coz i simply get blown away seeing cute little babies! (of coz even hearing about them!)...sigh! makes me so wanna have one my own too...okie many of my frens tink im overly obsessed wif e idea of having my own kids but i really love children ok...i mean babies...hahaha! if there was 1 wish tt can be fulfilled...i jus wanna graduate asap...get married n have my own kids n family too! its not one of those rash decisions...its an aspiration! hahaha...i may not really noe wat i wan to do in future...but 1 thing im super sure of is that i wan a family of my own...no doubts about that!

The Revised List!

2007-09-28T04:57:00.000+08:00

Goodness i just finished compiling that madness project! its like 5am in the mrng! and im so tired that i just cant slp! well i figured why not just find the time to blog a little! hahaha...anyway i came up wif this revised list of wat i look for in a potential partner! wahahaha...credits to xiaoshi...my dear experienced mentor in BGR! so here it goes...

1.72m or taller (i.e. taller than me la!)
Loves God (i.e. Christian)
Loves his family
Musically inclined (Piano preferable! haha!)
Play ONLY either of the stated sports: Squash, Tennis, Swim, Water Polo
Obtained Class 3 License (Class 3A is not counted for guys coz it is as good as no license!)
Able to cook (Instant Noodles not counted! Must be at least 3 dishes + 1 Soup! Thx!)
Look good in Checkered shirts!
Nerd nerd looking and wearing glasses is a MUST! - Harvard undergrad lookalike!(no lasik in future pls..i like the glasses! haha!)
Play Mahjong! (skills must be better than mine! - if you can pass this one..e above 9 points can close 1 eye! HAHA!)
Like to play computer games?
Like soccer?
3-6 years older than me?
live in the west?

*Note: Point 11-14 are not my ideas! rationale behind those 4 points = a friend in need is a friend INDEED!

我又初恋了?

2007-09-26T01:14:00.000+08:00

i was listening to Mayday's 'Born to Love' album...and i came across this song '我又初恋了'...its quite a cute song and i was laughing to myself when i heard e lyrics....its a mixed chinese n CMI cantonese song! and what is more intriguing is the irony of the title! it makes me wonder how can someone actually '又' and '初恋' at the same time?!?!

self-reflections

2007-09-13T19:54:00.000+08:00

wow...life is just unpredictable! i wld not have expected that this 'business' trip would have to be handled alone...but den of coz i have also learn a lot along the way. Well my boss jus asked me what have i gained out of this training trip...i would have to say that its the way i relate to the pple ard me and being more effective in getting my ideas across to other pple. After taking some test, my social orientation is still constant! im a process-results oriented person..that simply means that i enjoy order and structure coz i need to 'process' my thoughts before i act and im focus in obtaining my goals! in other words it means determination! hahaha!

hmmm....life being pretty much alone dis few days have been busy. Eventful too but not impactful...ok im getting poetic now! hahaha...actually i wasnt really being much in the mood to 'work' before dis trip but coz at e very last min, i was called to handle this alone...i pretty much have no other choice than to gear myself up and prepare my mind for this challenge. However not really that challenging also la...most of e things were quite smooth-running and pretty much well-coordinated though! yes indeed i was nervous sometimes coz after all this is my 1st time handling such a big project, however due to adequate 'facework' and 'fakology'..i pulled thru! phew! koh bao yue...im coming back to 'suan4 zhang4' wif you! watchout! wahahaha! [btw your 'boyfren' is super mafan...your boss wans me to convey e msg that your boyfren is as troublesome as you! WAHAHAHA!]

time flies and its Friday tml...e dateline i haf set for myself. face it racheal..its time for reality!

what right do i have?

2007-09-02T14:27:00.000+08:00

i have been facing some issues in my life...sat sermon by Assemblies of God Superintendent Reverend Dr. Patrick Lau (super long title lor!) was indeed seemingly a God-sent reminder! have you been doing things God's way or your way! honestly up till this very moment i dunno wat is God's way...i wonder wat e heck haf I been doing all this while...i have my doubts on whether am i hearing God or am i hearing myself all these times?!? Have I been honest with my God...i guess i jus have issues that i have been trying to run away from...but never cheat your God coz He reads your heart! that was like a WAKE-UP call...oh gosh...i somehow feel that there is this resentment within me...i dunno wat it is....jus a rebellious feeling that im having!

have you ever done some things in your life out of purpose because you are jus fed up with yourself..you noe very well it is not right to do it...yet you still go on...because you tink 'who cares anyway'...but i tink God cares! however at the same time...you jus wanna be indifferent about it....coz a feeling inside tells you that you are disappointed with God...n you dun really wanna care...once in awhile...ok im beginning to sound irrelevant here...i guess i jus need to reflect upon this...'who am i to give up....seriously wat rights do i have to give up...'

Miss Clarity Cafe!

2007-08-29T00:59:00.000+08:00

wohoo.....new lobang for good food at a reasonable price! Miss Clarity Cafe at Purvis St (near bugis)...its open from mon-sat, 11am-11pm i tink....wa i love e pasta, i love e pizza, i love e mud ooze pie, i love e apple pie! most of all i love e company too! hmmmm havent got time to be bothered to post e fotos ive taken up here...if you wanna see them jus ask me...i stored them in my hp! hahaha! so wanna date me next time....you noe where to ask me to rite! hahah....

meant to be or not?

2007-08-21T01:04:00.000+08:00

sometimes you think and believe (make yourself believe) that something/someone is so important that you probably also feel that you cannot do without...

sometimes you pray so hard and tell God that you will wait patiently for the things you want to see happen..yet unfortunately (or fortunately) it did not happen e way you wan it to...(i guess dis is wat you call being faithless..but den again perhaps that wasnt God's best plans for you so thats why it didnt happen wat! duh!)

and den when something/someone better comes along its jus inevitable that you start getting into e 'i-cannot-decide' mode...giving up on something/someone you have been pinning your hopes on for so long just doesnt make sense...but giving up on something/someone that is a gd catch seem to be even more 'dun-make-sense'...

have you ever been in a position where you try to convince yourself..and e more you try...e less convince you are...and im beginning truly experience wat it means by 得不到的永远是最好的...
yes perhaps its true that over time you realise that you might not really like that something/someone that much...but on 2nd tots...if you 放不下 means you 放不下...

The Debate

2007-08-09T13:42:00.000+08:00

had a casual conversation with my frens out of e blue...and being the very outspoken me...i usually wan to voice my opinions and if possible, have the last words to all conversations that deals or has concerns with my life.

The big taboo topic of the day...religious beliefs...
honestly i really dislike stepping across into this boundary because im sure there will be vast opposing views to wat i stand for and believe in...but of coz...wat is there to fear...esp when its defending my beliefs! i not only wan to be a follower of Christ...apart from walking to talk...i also wanna defend my God and his teachings! sounds like some holy joe rite...or 'chao holy' like wat a fren of mine likes to put it! haha...but whatever it is...im proud of my God...sorry to be critical here...but how many of you dare to say you are proud of your God and how many of you have a God who is also a fren whom you can tok to daily?!?! or actually do you even believe in God to begin with? by the way if you didnt noe...religion is an on-going PROCESS...its nt a once or a few times a year special event where you pay SPECIAL respects to your 'God' or a 'i-like-it-den-i-go' or a 'i-have-problems-den-i-find-help' kind of thingy! to believers and non-believers alike...some simple and basic things in life include being serious in whatever you do...if you think you are nt ready for commitment...for gdness sake (or at least God's sake) jus admit it yea! no point beating ard e bushes! unfortunately everything in life requires a certain degree of commitment level...its either you live with this fact or try to be different by ruining your own life!

back to the topic of debate...so shld Christians get romantically involved with the non-believers? my take is no...perhaps to many pple out there...dis reflects the very selfish nature of Christians...'why cant Christians convert away frm Christianity?'..'why do the other half of Christians need to be converted to Christianity?'....but haf u heard of pple 'converting away' frm Christ? personally i haven't...dun ask me why...im looking for an answer too...
but ultimately i think it boils down to 1 fact....non-involvement with non-believers is smthg that God has already stated clearly in the Bible...its still a choice to whether we wanna follow it....i noe lotsa times human beings allow their heart to rule their head...and 1 wrong decision mite jus haf snowball effects which will magnify the problem in years to come....and e last qns one shld ever ask yourself....wat are your priorities? God vs Men? who do you choose?

P.S: Do not be too offended by this post. I just needed an outlet to vent my frustrations/confusion/verbal constipation. Nonetheless, Happy 42nd Birthday Singapore!

nostalgic

2007-07-30T21:30:00.000+08:00

some food for thought...

...天上一万颗星星我却只看见你你说这是幸运还是不可思议...
...身边有太多风景我却停在这里说我傻的可以还不是因为你...

what do you think? just another fairytale-like myth...
do you sometimes wish that you have never met that someone...perhaps that will save you a lot of hassles n heartaches...but of coz that would also mean that you will never get to experience the little heart-warming feeling that fond memories can bring...whatever it is...there is always two sides to everything...

paper ankles

2007-07-27T00:05:00.000+08:00

'Paper ankles'..interesting term tt was coined by my dear cousin Ivan! of coz they are none other than e infamous pair of ankles of mine....by e name of it u could haf easily guessed that i sprained my ankle once again! the story is a long one...so i dun bother explaining again...haha...but aniway dis is e infinite time that i injured my ankle(s)...getting so used to it that e pain is also kinda familiar...i even noe when i will feel e pain depending on how i walk, stand or sit....this comes with experience..lotsa them i mean! but going to union camp with a sprained ankle is really joke considering e amount of walking i do everyday...gosh...i really think im gg to become paralysed of i didnt break camp to visit the sinseh yest...but well no worries peeps! i shld recover soon I HOPE! coz i really haf lotsa things to do n i like to always be on e move...with a burden such as a sprained ankle will only serve to hinder my movement n nt help in any way! so pray for my speedy recovery! jiayou to me...oh btw i jus haf another random tot...i wanna be an air-stewardess! haha...considering e high pay n luxurious lifestyle...i figured it cld be quite fun...but that means some serious business on my part...i freaking need to lose weight....a gd 20 kg off b4 i can become slim n tall! of coz im already tall enuf but im nt slim at all! so shld i gif it a try...i definitely can do it if i wan to but....i have so many BUTs...shall tink about it...but i seriously dun mind! haha!

a little food for tot

2007-07-19T01:03:00.000+08:00

i came across smthg which really touched my heart...it goes like this...
"God knows what is in your heart..He knows what problems you are facing..He will always give you peace of mind and you will walk and be covered in His light..and He will fulfil your desire in His time.."

i was like 'wah God you always speak to me in such cute manners...esp when im shopping!'..haha..well those words spoke to me in a very special manner..i jus feel so close to God...practically into his embrace whenever i read those words...

aniwae...putting tt aside...i jus wanna say 'Be strong Barney! rachoo 为你打气加油'...doubt you will have the time to read all this but nevertheless rachoo is very proud of barney for staying so positive and strong all these time..jiayou and luv you lots too! :>

cheers to singlehood!

2007-07-17T00:25:00.000+08:00

wohoo...Genting trip was therapeutic indeed! lotsa lotsa shopping and eating really kept me quite entertained for e 3 days there...casino was not really my cup of tea though...did a 10 mins walk inside and i cldnt wait to get out coz i was like suffocating inside!

ok i did some reflections on e 6 hrs journey to Genting and also 6 hrs back to S'pore...i tink im beginning to be able to face some issues now...my stubborn-ness really has gotta do wif my fear of rejections and pride! but putting tt 2 aside...i noe tt 勉强是没有幸福的...yes many of you out there must be tinking...'well if you dun try, you dun really noe'...but who knows him better than i do when it comes to this issue rite? okie maybe tt sounded a bit too ego on my part but seriously e vibe tt im getting isnt rite anymore...perhaps living with tt 遗憾 for the rest of my life is e next best alternative...its not tt i dunno wat to do...i jus dun wanna do it...save tt little 尊严 btw us ba...but if one day ever again tt our path do cross...i'll do whatever i can to give it a shot! for now...say cheers to singlehood!

2007-07-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

i gave myself 2 weeks...or rather i shld say i gaf us 2 weeks..which started on e 27/6...by right it shld all come to an end on the 11/7...however i figured it was too much to keep on going like this....it looks like it is really going no where...

today during 430 svc worship...i really felt God's presence and his words spoken so clearly to me...'seek first the kingdom of God and everything else you need in your life shall be fulfilled'...yes i noe wat i shld be doing but im jus so reluctant to submit to God's instructions...den again during sermon time....ps sophia mentioned 'it is often pride that makes you feel so 不甘愿 about some things..'...i guess it must be pride that makes me so reluctant to let go...as i have always said....i so often clutch the past so tightly to my chest that i leave my arms too full to embrace the present! as i come before God today to tell Him how much agony and frustration i have been keeping inside my heart, tears unconsciously jus flowed...at that moment i felt so bitter...but i could really feel the wide arms of God embracing me as i knelt down before Him to seek shelter and comfort! There is really none like you God! Thank you for always listening to my complains and whines...even though i am so faithless at times...you still remain the ever-faithful God!

i know what i shld do now...seek your kingdom first...and i am sure you will provide the rest of my needs! there is really nothing i can do by using my own strength and i jus commit every issue of my life into your hands..i am sure you are working things out in your own time and it will be the best time for all...

to all my frens out there who is reading this..if u see me along the way...jus gimme some encouragement to stay strong in faith and focus on God...and thanks a lot but there is no need to introduce any of your guy frens to me...hahaha...im currently NOT interested in other guys (not even if he fits all my basic criteria) because i have someone in mind already..unless God tells me he is not the one...i won't give up as yet...so jus in case you are wondering why everytime pple ask me 'why you dun have any chemistry wif guys that you spend so much time tgt with?'...dun worrie im 100% straight...e ans is very simple...because there is simply no place inside my heart for them! stubborn or whatever you may call me...im still sticking by my decision...the wait doesnt end here...in fact it jus started...

Moving on..

2007-07-04T01:18:00.000+08:00

i know i must super ridiculous to hang on indefinitely just like that...when its time to move on...its time...i figured there is really no point to wait aimlessly...but racheal is a very stubborn gal...when she doesnt get her answer..she will never really move on...perhaps 1 day when i come to realise that i dun really know wat im waiting for...den i guess i will never want to fall for someone again..

a note to my heavenly father...
dear God..what on earth is going on? i am so clueless that i become more helpless...i noe nothing is impossible wif you...but why is it that everytime i ask of you to help me with this issue...i dun seem to get a response? is this a test of my patience? or jus a way to prepare me...to show that whatever i ask for is really nt easy to handle? i refuse to believe that you will abandon me to leave me to settle this for myself...but i tink i cannot let go and let u alone handle it for me...so foolish of me...but i dunno wat else i can do...or rather i shld say wat else i shld nt do...God please dun joke with me anymore...the feeling of disappointment is really not funny...pls help me ti BE STILL and know that You are God! I am giving thanks to you even though i dun get wat i prayed for...because i choose to believe that You have the best plans for me! AMEN! *this is such a challenge!*

because of you

2007-06-23T01:17:00.000+08:00

a lot of things that never use to catch my attention now do...1 example...xiaoshi's hp ringtone...'because of you' by kelly clarkson...ive been listening to e full version of that song for a couple of days...how meaningful...hmmmm i would say that it brings a bittersweet feeling...walau im feeling damn sian again...haiz....sickening....so which is worst huh?

1) still liking someone and not telling him about it
or
2) telling someone you still like him and then get rejected

basket..im damn fed up with myself again...i noe e ans lo...but i jus cannot do it becoz 我过不了自己的那一关...3 options...50-50, call a fren or audience voting! so audience wat do u tink i shld do now? 50-50 i attempted...so tts why im left wif e options 1 & 2 as stated above...Call a fren i also tried before...dun say call..say face-face also tried liao....apparently also no diff...coz after all it still boils down to me...not my fren's problem...so audiences...if u noe wat im toking about....tell me wat i shld do now!
a lot things that i tot of, am tinking of and will be tinking of dun really make sense...i also dunno why im jus so stubborn...before i decided to tell anyone about dis i already noe dis is gg to be a tough issue...i wasnt really sure of myself initially but den e feeling jus gets stronger! 1 of e reason im still refraining from verbalising wat i wanna say is becoz i figured dis time round 我真的输不起...walau...i dun haf e confidence anymore lo...e way im handling dis is jus unlike my usual self...dis is jus so not me...

rain rain go away

2007-06-20T00:20:00.000+08:00

my gosh...i dun understand why everywhere i go it seems to rain! When i was in HongKong for 6 days, it rained for 5 days...when i went to Bintan for 4 days with the intention to do sea sports den it rained for 3 days! oh gosh...its jus me being sway or wat! maybe coz i din pray hard for gd weather ya! haiya...wat a waste! who wld ever imagine tt someone wld go all e way to bintan jus to stay in the villa for 3 days doing nothing much but tok cock, slack, slp, eat and i keep bathing so many times a day coz i really had nothing better to do!

i kinda thank God my internship ended..not with a bang but if it dragged some more i will really go bang myself! freelancing with the company is nt a bad idea but den i tink i love my freedom too much to even compromise on tt...however i believe that one shld nv bite the hand that fed you...so much for wanting to leave...i still decided to go back n finish up wat i was asked to stay back to help out...after that im leaving for gd...corporate life...not my cup of tea for now...and seriously i tink when it comes to decision-making...i need to get myself in control...i always wonder how others can be so fickle-minded about things but actually when i come to think about it...im no better...in fact i realised that im extremely indecisive these days..why? no idea..coz e decisions that i haf to face are getting more complicated or is it jus me screwing up my own life? part of growing up...that seems to be what everyone says....maybe 5 yrs down e road when i look back...i will probably slap myself silly...move on with life man! that is probably the best consolation i can offer myself right now...who ask me to be such an ass...indecisiveness..jus kill me man! sigh..

Thanking God

2007-06-12T00:07:00.000+08:00

wah boy! i have neglected my bloggie! well well..im back from HK obviously...HongKong..Live it Love it man! just some random tots....internship is ending for me tml...my last day (finally!)...well its nt exactly tt bad...in fact i'll miss it i tink...jus tt now im really sick n tired of dis life...going into office everyday to find things to do...its nt really tt enjoyable to wait for time to pass every single day...
on a happier note...i feel so blessed recently...(ya i mean i noe ive been leading a really blessed life..THANK GOD!)...God's presence nv felt so real in my life and even tho im really spending more den half my life in church...i enjoy these 4 days more den e other 3 days tt im nt down in church serving God! haha....absurd to you but amazing to me yea! Thank God for e support frm my fellow youth leaders and pastors....there were times that i almost tot i cldnt make it anymore but den prayers does wonders i realised! and of coz frens' support in church make a lot of difference u noe! so thank God esp for xiaoshi...who was sent so timely to be a friend and sister! (God's timing is always perfect as far as i noe!)...haha...ive always wanted God to send someone older whom i can look upon to and seek advice n help from...coz being e eldest among all my cousins jus meant tt i was always taken as an example for e younger ones to follow...so xiaoshi i figured that you are the 'God-sent' example! "BE A GOOD EXAMPLE" wahahaha...
Life is good...i like it e way it is now...and well perhaps jus leaving everything into God's hands will solve e problem....so jiayou to myself...Cheers!

what is wrong wif me?

2007-05-30T01:35:00.000+08:00

i dunno how i should put this...its jus so difficult to articulate..verbal constipation once again! i always have my pride interfering with my life! shucks...i jus find it so difficult to accept failure that more than half e time i dun do e things i fancy or am passionate about...it is simply becoz i dun have the courage to face failure...its just so me to look strong on e outside but is actually so vulnerable on e inside....

my cousin

2007-05-25T02:43:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to my dear cousin Ivan....

congrats cousin on your graduation...long awaited 3 yrs and i shld say a very fulfilling 3 yrs journey in SP for you..i guess you have no idea how proud i am of you my dear cousin! i've been repeating to so many to my frens about your diploma with merit until they hear me also sian! haha...remember e time when you so wanted to join me in NYJC....remember e time when i also almost ended up as your school mate in SP....all these seemed such a long time ago! but den in a blink of e eye....here we are....you haf done well by God's grace and your own conscienciousness...a well-deserved outcome that justify all your hard work! always bear this in mind....it doesnt matter how good others are...it only matters that you put in your best and God will have e best plans for you to prosper! i noe you are capable and you definitely have a promising future ahead! no worries about all those crap NS...you will make it thru becoz e Ivan i noe is a fighter! keep tt spirit going and do God proud! YOU CAN DO IT! congrats once again my dear brother! and rememeber remember remember...no wonder wat e outcome of your future endeavours...we will still love you all e same...coz blood is thicker than water ma! (rem everything done with love is always e best!) hahahaha....keep swimming!

emotional

2007-05-18T01:04:00.000+08:00

its really not e time to be feeling dis way...having 'emo' attacks recently and tonight its coming back again...tml mrng i will be flying off to HongKong for my long awaited trip! i dun really feel e excitement but den again i really wanna leave S'pore! i need a break! no worries my dears...i will enjoy myself and i will buy lotsa lotsa pressies for you guys! so ya...when im back...n you receive smthg frm me...that simply means that you are significant to me! muahahaha!

disclaimer: your level of significance to me does not equate to the amount of pressies that you will be getting from me! to be able to get smthg frm me is already considered GOOD hor! do not ask for more! HAHAHA! *meant for all e buay paiseh pple ard to read* (wahaha!)

Good bye pple, HongKong here i come! *winks*

work work work

2007-05-11T19:55:00.000+08:00

why do pple work so hard for? to strive for the best in life and succeed in their careers? so how exactly do you deem 'success' in life? being rich, driving the dream car, eating at the best restaurants or seeing the world as you go on a business trip? have you ever wondered once you have gotten all these, and not have any family and friends to share the joy with you, will that be so significant and meaningful to you anymore? why no family and friends? coz you will be so busy pursuing all these that you have entirely neglected e people who love you and whom is so dear to you! when was the last time i really sit down or lie down to tok to my mommy, or even fellowship with my cousins, aunts and grandma, what about my dear sisters and friends? it seems a long time ago...i see wat i want in life clearer now...and im ready to give up anything in exchange for God, family and friends. These are my priorties in life and i always believe that if you honour God, God will honour you! Amen!

issues unresolved

2007-05-05T03:55:00.000+08:00

i have some unresolved issues...they are coming back to haunt me again...i need to settle this...i need help from above...i dun wanna depend on my own strength....walking by faith and not by sight....easier said than done! God speak to me...i need Your presence my best fren!

blue

2007-04-25T20:14:00.000+08:00

im seriously screwed for today's paper..OMG...i never felt so helpless n i was furiously 'smoking' away in e exam hall! OMG OMG OMG...im trying to stop myself frm falling into a depression...its a stupid 'i-mus-remain-happie' but im not happie mood~! God promised me gd results but den at this moment im faithless...e weakness of man reflected once again! im sorrie God but can you tell me how i shld react now?!?! i need some encouragement..i need somebody to confide in...i jus feel so bloody needy now! FREAK! *feeling so blue*

random post

2007-04-23T00:24:00.000+08:00

tired but fulfilling week...3 papers down...wif 2 more to go...by God's grace...i noe that everything will turn out fine! haha...I jus need to do my best n God (aka my best fren!) will take care of e rest! by faith many things haf happened....boils down a simple fact that i derived at once again...'expect e unexpected...wif love frm God above' hahaha...funnie as it may sound...but its true alrite! if you live by faith and not by sight...seriously your life will get turned upside down in a gd way! i guess jus dun be too rational in things that you do...sumtimes irrationality will get you further den you tink! do wat you love...dun live in regret! dun tink too much...speak whatever that is up in your mind...u nv noe wat is gg 2 happen if you dun take a chance! haha...dis post is getting rather random! but dis is wat u get frm a person who haf been doing 'culture' for e entire aftn...exams exams exams....quick get done n over with it! ive got some many things waiting for me to do...
*emotional state: high *haha*

wrong

2007-04-11T23:42:00.000+08:00

you really know something is very wrong when it is the exam period and you DUN WANNA STUDY! damn it! all i wanna do is slack ard...play my keyboard....go out for coffee chilling sessions...im jus reading my notes...not even memorising anything! oh God...you hafta save me! i dun wanna flung but i dun wanna study very hard either...im way pass that phase....to put it nicely you call it 'attained nirvana'..to put it bluntly you say 'digging your own grave'....when the exam is done...i say it will be 'jumping into my own grave'....when the results are out....it better not be 'burying myself'....HAHAHAH....
*i find myself getting very lame at night*

indifference

2007-04-02T00:43:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wonder...'should i try to do smthg'...but den everytime when i really wanna try to do smthg about it...time and again i will jus feel that its pointless because it is not realli within my control! having the little 'perfectionist' mentality in me...i only attempt to do things that i can guarantee some degree of success eventually...if i cant...den i simply wun place my effort in such a game of risk! life is a game...so play it well! im never a gal who is easily satisfied! and perhaps you may not agree...but i hafta say that i expect a lot from e pple i care about....and i expect even more from myself...a lot of times i dislike seeing pple who dun gif a damn about e things ard them..it simply pisses me off to see pple whom i care about wasting their lives away...in e past, i get realli affected..but seriously..been there and done that! now i dun realli care you noe...its entirely your business if you choose to lead certain kind of life! defense mechanism you may call it...maybe 1 day i'll disagree with wat i say here...but for now im jus indifferent..

in love wif love

2007-03-27T00:22:00.000+08:00

dis simply struck me when a gd fren asked...'are you in love wif love?' wat do i tink...interestingly enuf...perhaps its a yes...let me tink about it...i will find an ans soon enuf i believe...

hectic week

2007-03-25T00:37:00.000+08:00

i mus say tt e last week was e most hectic wk of my entire sem 2! gosh...presentation datelines after datelines...i felt like i had no breathing space! i was totally zonk out....n now im down wif a very bad throat n cough....all e late nites of stress accumulated to a breakdown in my immune system! im glad glad glad tt its over! although e exams are yet to be here...but i tink i wun be stressed till e extent i was as last week! but even tho so...i also hafta add tt last wk was e best wk of crap n fun i had in sch admist all e datelines! im beginning to enjoy sch wif gd company! haha! also mus thank God for his grace and protection for e entire hectic week...i felt realli close to Him esp in e whole of last wk...i tink its when one go thru tough times that God's presence will be even more real than ever!
ok im sounding like im in a serious dilemma now....for e 1st half of e week i felt e fire n passion for God...realli wanted to sing praise to Him b4 i slp every nite! but den after all my presentation is done on thur...i was so exhausted tt i cldnt be bothered to spare a bit of time to do my usual 'toking to God' routine...is it me being selfish? or is it jus...WHAT? i cant tink of anything else apart frm me being self-centred...settled my business den throw God to 1 side! n wats worst is tt i still haf e little struggle within myself to hafta spend e entire sat aftn in church frm 430-930...since i now attend 2 svcs....hmmm..i realli need some motivation to continue dis in e long run! n i guess e 'its all for God' motivation ought to be sustained throughout to make things work out...i hafta pray about dis...jiayou racheal...you are on a quest to be closer to your heavenly father! i simply love the way my life is being filled wif His great love!

pissed off

2007-03-18T22:31:00.000+08:00

honestly im TOTALLY sick of having to keep enquiring about the flight and hotel prices for my HK trip...yes i noe its my duty to go n find out about the prices and try my best to get e most economical price plans for my family! BUT i seriously get super PISSED OFF when dad keep ranting n ranting about how much cheaper it will be to book e hotel HIMSELF..and on the other hand keep wanting ME to go n find out more about the different prices frm e agency! if he is not tired of dis...I AM TIRED! dis is freaking pissing me off very badly...n e more i tolerate n keep quiet...e more frustrated i get on e inside! dis is supposed to be MY 21st bdae treat n reward for e gd results last sem..but now i feel like even before i go for dis trip...its such a torture! if you are so free den go enquire yourself and make all e comparisons and for God's sake book the tickets and confirm the hotel's availability..after all dis is done...den come n let me noe! im totally not interested in dis IRRITATING process! if i had a choice and e money...i will rather go on a holiday wif my friends...its terribly upsetting to make plans for holiday wif my parents! im sorrie ive to say dis but dis is because im so terribly pissed off! everyone has got a limit and occassional moodswings alrite.....enough is enough!

Butterfly Kisses

2007-03-17T11:23:00.000+08:00

a song which i like very much..the song that invaded my mind b4 bedtime yest...smthg sweet to share...

Butterfly Kisses

There's two things I know for sure.
She was sent here from heaven, and she’s daddy’s little girl.
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night,
She talks to Jesus, and I close my eyes.
And I thank God for all the joy in my life, But most of all...
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk beside the pony daddy, it’s my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, daddy, but I sure tried."
Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet sixteen today.
She’s looking like her momma a little more every day.
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls.
Trying her wings in a great big world. But I remember...

Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"You know how much I love you daddy, but if you don’t mind,
I’m only going to kiss you on cheek this time."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precise time.
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly, spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise, and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking, and I said, "I’m not sure,
I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl."
Then she leaned over... and gave me...

Butterfly kisses, with her mama there.
Stickin’ little white flowers all up in her hair.
"Walk me down the aisle daddy, it’s just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?" "Daddy don’t cry."
With all that I’ve done wrong, I must have done something right.
To deserve a hug every morning, and butterfly kisses.
I couldn’t ask God for more, man, this is what love is.
I know I’ve gotta let her go, but I’ll always remember.
Every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...

Cui-ness

2007-03-14T21:07:00.000+08:00

honestly i dunno wat e heck is troubling me...its jus unexplainable...im so tired and lethargic already...i dun really wanna care...jus leave me alone!
"Dear God, i only wanna tok to you coz you are e only 1 who doesn't give me unnecessary problems. It is you alone that i trust fully. This world is just a disappointment and there is absolutely no use to put any hope in it."

reflections

2007-03-10T01:33:00.000+08:00

read my everybody's blog jus now...didnt realised that wat i wrote wld haf such an impact though! everybody you are not forgotten and will never be! i guess its true about what pple usually say about 'xin1 you3 ling2 xi1 yi4 dian3 tong1' (telepathy)...well sometimes no need to 'dian3' also will 'tong1'...like wat xiaoshi and i like to do the 'are you tinking wat im tinkin B1..yes i am B2' nonsense...hahah...quite rubbish but it does make some sense at times! sometimes you dun need a person to tell you outrightly that he/she is not feeling good...all you need to do is 'sense' it...if you are somewhere at that level...you will know what i am toking about! what happens when i cant seem to 'feel' it....well i will pray about it...ask God to attend to that person...or perhaps give me a vision to noe what is going on! it works all the time (or as far as i noe...it worked so far for me)...smthg rather random that invaded my mind...'take a step back..and you will see the picture clearer than you tink'...i guess smthg which i already am aware of...that still very much applies to my life now! pple often clutch everything so tightly to themselves that they leave their arms too full to embrace the present! the art of detachment...im on my way to master it yea...

to my everybody, i heard smthg frm the radio a few days ago...'who will you tink of when you are down and out?'...well you will still be the 1st few pple that comes to my mind...even tho ive mia-ed for some time but you were never forgotten! i may not say it coz you noe im not very expressive when it comes to emotions...(tho i tok so much all e time..but when it comes to serious stuff about myself im quite a sucker! hahaha)...well everybody jiayou in your quest in learning how to become a better person! if not ive conduct anger management 1101E for you soon...hahaha...rem always to think b4 you act and take a step back instead of being insistent all e time...dun ever tink that you've given too much but rather believe that you can do better all e time....dis is e little secret to 'success'..ahahaha! you are not the world but you mite mean the world to someone tho! hahah...find joy in giving n once you get e hang of it...you cant get enuf of it! most importantly love God with all your heart! all e best my everybody...i noe you can do it...(if not how can you be my everybody rite??!?!?!hahaha!)

true love?

2007-03-09T00:45:00.000+08:00

my parents are one of e few reasons why i still believe that true love exists in this world...

tired

2007-03-04T14:44:00.000+08:00

opps..i tink im in for some trouble...sounds pretty weird but i tink i heard God speaking to me yest! yes its God speaking...looks like that previous lifestyle of mine has not been so 'right' in that sense...i had lotsa fun 'mambo-jamboing' but den after yest i suddenly decided that perhaps its jus not so right indulging in drinks and stupid things till e wee hrs of the mrng! dere seems to be a smthg telling me this, 'do not step in further..u noe why'...oh gosh...im like in a state of ambivalence...neither here nore there! tired..thats wat i tink i am...

mambo jambo

2007-03-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

wohoo...i went for mambo nite at zouk yest for e 1st time n it was superb! get high man...non-stop action frm 11pm all e way to 4am...dis is madness n im so into it tt i wanna go back again soon! oh man why din i go to zouk in e past lo...so dumb...nvm..better late den never! opps...hahaha...no wonder zouk is 'the club'...i gues it has reasons for being so....n why was i nt so into clubbing previously? coz all e clubs i went seriously cannot make it! dis is e best experience n i'll go back for more! mambo jambo anyone? hahaha...

a korean drama

2007-02-26T21:26:00.000+08:00

watched a supposedly lame korean drama in the wee hours of yest mrng...saw & heard smthg from tt show which touched me...

a daddy spoke to his daughter while they were dancing tgt...
dad: 'do you know how much i love you?'
gal: 'yea of coz dad'
dad: 'then always remember that no matter whom you fall in love with, there will always be 2 pple supporting you'

...i noe it isnt much of a link but den wif tt scene in place and and the silence of the night...somehow you will know what i mean...

sense of relief

2007-02-25T01:11:00.000+08:00

a sigh of relief...im finally done wif the content summary of 1 of my module...dis is done so as to make revision for the final exams easier for my convenience...u noe i simply hate to rush thru revision...so wat 2 do...prepare early la duh! still another module to go...im gg to make sure i finish that summary within 2 days....i wanna enjoy e rest of my recess week! yeay! time realli flew dis semester...getting e hang of tertiary education...can be quite shiok coz realli so 'free & easy' but den when temptations to slack sets in...dere is where ur self-discipline gets tested man! so far so gd..i still managed to control myself not to skip lectures n tutorials n do revision...altho not so constant...but still got do la! hahaha...hmmmm...satisfied with myself...a pat on e back n mayb i shld tink of doing smthg 2 reward myself...ahahaha..up to no good liao! happie-go-lucky...who cares...i ought to make myself happier coz i deserve e best! yeay racheal tts e way to go...yea i noe im starting to sound cranky....snowball effect of fatigue is like tt de...ah forget it...time to rest....

3rd Day of New Year

2007-02-20T15:22:00.000+08:00

i simply hafta agree that time flies when you are having fun! mahjong, blackjack, drinks, sumptous lunches/dinners, delicious 'yu sheng', people, money, nice clothes, nice bags, nice shoes, midnight movie, coffee joint....i love the Chinese New Year! that was how the past 3 days of mine were spent...thank gdness CNY came nicely in time...kinda drove away my bad mood...in a way made me a much happier person! what is more important than my family? for e time being is nothing! dis CNY i got to realise the true meaning of 'the lesser the expectation = the lesser the disappointment'...so i kinda figured out that i shld jus put it aside and haf no expectations den! no worries everybody (as in my everybody and the rest of you reading dis out dere)...im doing fine..in fact i tink i handle dis better den i expect myself to! once again happie CNY to everyone and we haf another 12 days of fun to go!

HAPPY Chinese New Year!

2007-02-17T14:14:00.000+08:00

hmmm...haf been feeling rather down for e past few days...jus dunno why i mus get so affected by dis whole issue...also non of my business to be exact...ivan is right...why let pple's business affect me! i shld jus mind my own business la! kpo racheal! alrite la...i wan to be happy coz i choose to be happy! barney is also right in saying that happiness is a choice...so frm today onwards i'll choose to be a happy gal! its the Chines New Year once again..im realli so lookg forward to it! i love seeing my family come tgt n tok n scream n haf fun! n wats more enticing is e FOOD! my hobby! i love the 16 course lunch on every 1st day of CNY n im very lookg forward to my reunion dinner later! so xcited! see ive got so much love at home...i ought to be happie coz im so loved! so my CNY resolution is to be happie and stay tt way! happie CNY every1 out dere..u r loved too!

Forever

2007-02-10T16:41:00.000+08:00

another random thought for the day...how long is forever? when we sing the praise song 'forever'..it goes like 'forever God is faithful..forever God is strong..forever God is with us......forever and ever...' nope im not doubting God's faithfulness and love...im jus curious to know what is forever? when couples say 'i will love you forever till death do us apart'..do dey realli mean it? when pple say 'friends are forever' isit realli true? does it come a time when all dis 'forever' jus bcum words 2 disguise the illusions of dis ever changing world?!?! or wld i say e ever changing nature of human beings to be exact.....

Month of February

2007-02-04T13:07:00.000+08:00

wah time realli flies man..its feb already...my academic engine had barely started to warm up from e 5 weeks break in december n now in about 2 wks time its gg 2b another long holz 4 me during CNY...haiya...like tt die la...can nv realli get started...n i tink b4 i noe it...exams will be round e corner! gosh im kinda worried tt im not stressed out lei....how come semester 2 seems so much more relax den semester 1...im gg 2 sch everyday as tho im gg for an excursion trip lo...dun feel e pressure at all! no essays to rush..no project datelines to meet, no test 2 pia for...doesnt feel like its school at all! come to tink of it...it may be blessings from God! coz ive prayed so hard tt 2007 be a better yr....n perhaps its realli blessings flowing into my life...wah God very generous hor...i din expect Him to let me 'enjoy' sch and life to dis extent man! i kinda understood wat it means by 'taking e step of faith' and then God will do as He promised! Thank you Lord for being so real in my life..i kinda lost u along e way last year....but bcoz of your faithfulness and love, i came back once again! I haf been stubborn and rebellious so many times..but you have always been patient and steadfast in loving me. I ran away and avoided you whenever i cldnt face u but your forgiveness won me over time and again. I lost faith in you and denied myself but you held me close and convinced me to start believing all over again! i am so glad tt im finalli back...i wan to stay close to you like dis forever..i nv wan to stray away again!

sweet dreamz

2007-01-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

yesterday nite was 1 of those nites when i went to bed with the most number of dreams which i still could remember when i woke up in the morning! hahaha...those were really sweet dreams...n it kept me happie 4 e entire day actually...why does it seem so real n i was really happie 2 e extent tt i woke up feeling so blissful! okie i tink im kinda living in my own world...but can dreams be my reality?

leadership stifles

2007-01-23T20:50:00.000+08:00

pple say leaders are made and not born..but den b4 you can be made a leader i believe u have to prove that you can be reliable enuf first b4 u will be nurtured into one! well im proud to say that ive held various kinds of leadership position for the past years of my life..and still holding on to some right now...however i never felt so stifled in my entire life up till this moment! i noe the obligations and responsibilities involved in holding leadership positions..i noe many pple will be watching me and r concerned over how i act..apparently i noe tt im supposed 2b a gd example for the others to learn and follow..but leaders r human beings too...i need a break too! i noe every institution has its rules and regulations and as leaders means we represent the institution...but wat if my stand does not go well with the stand of the institution..wat if i dun see eye 2 eye wif wat im told to do or act...does it mean tt i no longer fit e bill? does it mean tt i shld jus step down and bcum some ordinary being tt can regain their 'freedom' to do anything they wish to...i noe ultimately dis is still an issue btw me n the higher being from above...but i tink its realli madness to have to feel so compelled and obliged to e extent that i feel my personal rights and freedom haf been compromised...if i realli wanna be irresposible i wld choose to gif it up and return 2 my gd old days...however bcoz i believe tt is not wat God wants to see me doing...therefore i cannot do it...ARGH...jus let me rant!

2007 to-do list

2007-01-09T19:47:00.000+08:00

sch started and im glad 2 sae tt it was much better den expected...managed 2 get all e mods tt i wanted so plan running smoothly e way i wanted it to...no tutorials dis week n so i haf a 3 day week...wat more cld i ask for?!?! hahaha...
well i had some tots on e way home frm sch 2dae...came up wif a 2007 to-do list tt somehow works like a resolution thingy....it basically consist of e things i wanna complete in 2007...so it goes like dis...
1) Score more As & achieve a GPA of 4.5
2) take up a refresher course for keyboard class
3) build a closer relationship wif God
4) bring more pple to Christ (havent tot of how many tho!)
5) lose weight (>5kg)
6) visit Hongkong for a holiday
7) putting my pride aside & be more straightforward
i kinda hope tt i can fulfil e above to-do list dis yr..hopefully by 2008 when im lookg thru my past entries...i can proudly gif myself a pat on e shoulder n say 'well done' for completing all e above! rather than thinking about e things i cannot achieve or do...i wld channel my energy to making all e listed stuff work out! ask myself many times wats e point of pondering over some things tt were probably not meant to be..cant come up wif a reason but i tink i still hafta try 2 put things aside and learn how 2 take things in my stride...used to be quite gd in taking things in my stride but i tink i sort of lost it over e mths & yrs....sometimes i dun quite understand myself too! life jus gets more complex when more pple start coming into it...wats worst is tt u cant exactly make up who r those who came in...sigh...my tots r jus becoming more n more random...nvm...all e best to myself...moreover with God by my side, who can be against me! jiayou!

i cant decide

2007-01-06T00:53:00.000+08:00

its terrible when u cant decide whether u shld say smthg or nt...it sux very badly when u keep seeing tt person n u r dying 2 say smthg but den ur responsibilities, obligations and other factors r jus pulling u back...argh! im jus so worried n afraid tt everything else mite jus change once it comes out frm my mouth...so wat is e conclusion? shld i sae or nt...CRAP!

a new yr does not equate a great start

2007-01-02T02:15:00.000+08:00

long time since i ever had dinner wif my parents...nice dinner wif mum n dad..we had lobsters and steak and grilled salmon...i enjoyed all ambience n great food and many wld sae tt i had a great start 2 a new yr....but sumhow i jus feel not right...i dun like e way im feeling...if u r close enuf 2 me..you shld noe y im feeling all dis crap now...another yr of guessing game? oh gosh...no more can its very torturous....

Happie New Year

2007-01-01T03:49:00.000+08:00

Happie 2007...e yr 2006 din quite end wif a bang...so 2007 din quite start wif a bang too...but its ok...i jus hope tt e upcoming yr is gg 2b 1 tt i realli look forward to....lotsa ups and downs in 2006....realli lots of dem...i wld say tt it was a very significant yr of my life...i kinda like and dislike it...cant quite decide tho...jus wanna tell all my loved ones tt includes my family, 'sisters', LHC-ians, church sisters & brothers, kino darlings tt life has been great wif u guys ard! yup no doubt tt i was kinda in my 'down-est' period of my life dis yr...but den i wldnt haf make it thru w/o all e above mentioned pple! of coz i din forget 2 thank God...for He haf been always ard...always watching over me frm above...always loving me no matter wat! tho ive been rebellious and naughty a lot of times...tho ive cast Him aside a lot of times...i noe He nv did forsake me! sorry and thank you Lord for being a wonderful and loving and forgiving God...i love you too!

Aniwae there r realli lotsa things i wish for dis new yr...i wun call dem resolutions coz i dun quite believe in such tings...i noe some things r not supposed 2b forced...but den pray...if God tinks its right...den it will happen...i dun quite wanna tink bout it...call it running away frm reality...but i choose 2c it as having faith and casting it upon God for He noes wats best for me....i wanna walk by faith not sight! thank God for e wonderful results...im realli thankful and now it feels great! sch still sux...but not as bad...very motivated 2 do even better nxt sem! okie rachoo tired le...time 2 rest....may e new yr come wif great blessings!

Christmas Week

2006-12-25T23:54:00.000+08:00

Christmas 06 is about to be over in about 5 mins...on hindsight...looks like ive quite a busy christmas week dis yr...lets start recollecting....
18th - met barney, bangkee, triner for movie...e CMI 'fu zi' show by aaron kwok...but like wat barney says...its e COMPANY tt matters...not e show....hahaha...but to anyone who haf e intentions to watch it....my advice is PLEASE DUN! tts all i hafta say...
19th - met XS for a night movie at vivo...purpose was actually to pass her e xmas gift n also find sum1 2 watch casino royale wif me since i haf free tickets...hahaha...not too bad a show...quite ok wif it...at least i wasnt peeping at my hp 2 check e time...tt means it isnt tt boring afterall....weather was bad tt day...pouring e entire day n night....
20th - met deb at city hall to catch up wif her....gossip like there is no tml...hahah...den slack e entire aftn away by shppg n eating...den at nite no plans so i headed home 2 rest....
21st - went for dental appointment at NTU...super sickening coz weather was once again very bad and i had 2 travel all e way back 2 e sickening sch! makes tings worst! headed to church 4 caroling at nite...lotsa fun experience caroling wif e youth.....feels realli gd 2b able to spread e joy n luv ard! hahaha....
22nd - went to town wif barney in e aftn after i kena force 2 wake up...hahaha...had an extremely tiring day walking back n forth town 2 find presents but as ive mentioned...its e COMPANY tt matters...so im ok wif it! ahahahhaha...den had family gathering in e evening at my uncle's place....but wasted coz i had indigestion problem after e KFC lunch so din quite eat much tt evening...sian...gd food leh!
23rd - entire day spent in church, went for youth prayer session at 2pm...followed by xmas svc at 430 and den caroling again in e evening....after tt went 2 vivo 2 haf 'late dinner'....names shall not be mentioned....hahaha! lotsa fun playing disappearing act tho...
24th - party at aunt irene's place...had a sumptous dinner as usual den exchange pressies! yeay so fun...i haf 8 gifts dis yr...so happie man! den met kai n alvin 4 midnight movie at vivo...tink we realli nuthin better to do liao...ran out of ideas....after movie was supper...only reached home at bout 5am in e mrng...gosh...shagged liao...
25th - party at tara's place.....ganma's cooking was great as usual....hang out wif my frens n tok 4 awhile den headed down to town wif e church pple....trying 2 feel e christmas mood but it was jus boring...hahhaha...but well once again...its a COMPANY tt matters....

tml shall be a day spent in m'sia...so its time 2 rest n recharge....den tml can charge into JB for food n shppg! tts all folks....an entire week of update....no wonder i cldnt find time 2 even blog...hahaha..

sick

2006-12-14T18:11:00.000+08:00

wat e heck...im sick...its e holidays and im sick...down wif e very bad cold n cough...my throat is sore! i wanna eat chocolates...y e hell do i wanna eat chocolates when only im sick...when im fine n well i dun see tt craving coming! i wanna eat 'ma la' steamboat too...but im sick! sheesh...hmmm...mayb being unable 2 tok might be a gd ting...help me 2 listen more rather den tok all e time...everything happens 4 a reason yea...so mayb its time 2 switch roles...hahaha...i also feel like playing MIA for awhile....dis post seems rather random...but jus a sudden tot...im kinda sick of e routine every week...mayb its realli time 2 MIA...at least 4 awhile...a few days also gd..

do you believe?

2006-12-11T21:19:00.000+08:00

do you believe in prayers? - a qns tt suddenly invaded my mind...of coz i do...i believe tt if we pray n live by faith...we will be able to survive even e most difficult times of our lives...but things will get a little different if e problem isnt our own..wat if its ur gd frens? will e constant and faithful prayer work too? well i tink so...if we believe and trust we'll see miracles rite? isnt tt God's promise to us?

"But those who trust in the Lord for help will find their strength renewed. They will rise on wings like eagles; they will run and not get weary; they will walk and not grow weak" Isaiah 40:31

PRAY pple...time is running out...pray with all your might!!

Let go n let God

2006-12-09T00:11:00.000+08:00

haiz...im seriously sian...so many things w/o solutions...den how? let go n let God...how 2 even start praying about it...i dunno...welcome 2 e world of complexities...here is where life begins...oh gosh...somehow i agree tt life sux...

insomnia

2006-11-30T01:21:00.000+08:00

its a funnie feeling tt im getting..its jus weird...it jus feels as tho another part of me is gg 2b born..some1 tt i dunno all my life..(dun make sense!?!?)..ya i tink ive no idea wat im tokin about already...but e crap about dis whole ting is tt I CANT SLEEP! im having insomnia...its damn serious! im already so tired after 2 mugging days and 1 whole day out at the movies..i shld be slpg like a log now...but y am i still blogging...oh gdness..it cant be more obvious tt i realli dunno wat i can do since i cant slp! oh God...wat is happening...dun like tt can or not (im actually bargaining wif God now!)..i feel like crap...am i realli tinking too much? i realli dunno! oh gosh..gif hint also dun neither here nor dere leh...i get very 'pek chek' leh! ok mayb its unnecessary stress...HAIYA...i wanna slap myself...im jus so irritating...y cant i jus be more sure about myself...ive been trying 2 keep my life on track all e time n i seldom fail 2 do so...but y when it comes 2 dis...im jus so helpless about it...shucks..i realli feel damn sick!

jiayou

2006-11-24T13:39:00.000+08:00

hey you..doesnt matter about all e disappointing results..its ok..life is nt all about results rite..i noe wif e effort n time spent its jus so disgusting 2c unpleasant grades...but every1 has been thru tt stage isnt it...wat is impt is focus on e exams now...its realli damn difficult 2 control ur attention span i noe but u hafta perservere..jiayou my dearest barney aka 'sister-in-christ'...hahaha...u haf walked thru 3 sems...after e 4th dec u will be free again...WE CAN DO IT ok...JIAYOU! dun gif up...dun be discouraged...dun tink bout it!

"Be alert, stand firm in the faith, be brave, be strong." 1 Corinthians 16:13
...jiayou...

wif lotsa luv frm rachoo...

The List

2006-11-15T00:01:00.000+08:00

a few nights ago i was tokin 2 mom...n its quite interesting 2 hear how my mother likes 2 tok about guys nowadays..i wonder is it a hint 2 me 2 quickly find a boyfren? aniwae...she seems 2 tink tt i'll like e kind of guy tt she likes or i wld sae 'prefer' as a 'son-in-law'...so after a nite of friendly argument (dotz)...this is my mother's list...

Mom's List
1) filial - impt ting is must be nice 2 her!
2) preferably rich?!?!
3) soft-spoken - according 2 her its gd coz i can bully nxt time!
4) good boy - must be 'guai guai' ..like see her must greet 'auntie'

but of coz i beg 2 differ a great deal! so after some tots..i came out wif a list..its a simple basic list of 3 prerequisites 4 my 'ideal' guy....so my list goes...

My List
1) 1.75cm and above - worse come to worse at least taller than me la! (which is 1.72cm)
2) loves God - only then he will noe how to love me!
3) loves his family - a guy who has close-knit family will stray less!

so now i'll open my eyes big big...if u noe of any1 wif e above qualities of MY LIST...tell me! dis kind of rare species see already cannot let go! ahahahaha...

I've a Dream...

2006-11-11T23:55:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when you’ve studied so hard..feel so motivated 4 dunno wat reason..probably jus a sudden rush of adrenaline tt makes u wanna ‘pia’ all e way….den after all e fuss..u sit back n relax a little…n den disaster struck! U start asking yourself why are u doing all dis for? Is it worth all e time and effort? Is educational credit really so impt? Is worrying for results all my life e way 2 go? Bullshit man…I dun like 2 study! But bcoz I haf a dream…im willing 2 do dis 4 my dream…its not sum big time aspiration..in fact its jus smthg very simple…I wan 2 take a family portrait…wif my whole extended family…I wan it 2b done wif my graduation suit…I wan 2c everybody cum together 4 a family foto…n for that reason…it keeps me going amidst all dis crap im gg thru in university…for tt dream 2b fulfilled…racheal will persevere! Take my words for it man!

procrastination

2006-11-04T02:03:00.000+08:00

oh my gdness..i realli hate the month of november..every year at this period of time i'll be slogging my guts out 4 e ever anticipated exams...gosh would exams jus go away...it kills e joy of learning!! jus when i tot that sch was nt tt bad after all, e stupid exams mus come n spoil my mood! trying to not procrastinate but my mind jus keeps wondering ard...and perhaps away too! hahaha! ya..long time since i realli laugh out loud..long time since i realli laugh sincerely...right from e bottom of my heart...how 2 laugh when my life is not exactly fulfilling...neither is it sad or unfortunate...so how does it feel being stuck somewhere in e middle...well...simple...it sux!

some random tots...was on e train home from sch a couple of days ago...had a little boy (who suffered mild down-syndrome) wif his mom sitting beside me while i was trying 2 focus on reading my notes...and e little boy beside me was pretty entertaining actually...he tried to catch my attention by waving at me n making funnie faces...hahaha...he was jus so cute n so i decided 2 stop reading n 'played' wif him...his sincere expression of laughter simply enticed me...i haf not seen tt kind of expression 4 such a long time...i guess e simple emotion of feeling happie only exist in a world like his...not meant to be in a life like mine? leaves me wif so many questions once again...perhaps not questions...jus indifference...sometimes i wonder if being ignorant is better? coz wif simplicity...it brings happiness...e true ones...sometimes if i cld haf a choice...i wished i was nv here...

what if you got it back?

2006-10-29T21:15:00.000+08:00

"Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back."

"What if you got it back?"

what difference does it make anyway?

what do you think huh?

verbal constipation

2006-10-20T00:06:00.000+08:00

its even more painful den e actual constipation...e feeling of wanting 2 sae smthg but i cant seem 2 bring myself 2 sae it...its stifling..its choking...it makes me feel like crying...and everytime when i cant let it out....i bcum very moody..because i cant seem 2 cry over it as well...dere is almost no way i can let it out...i may look fine...all happy n cheery...but do you noe how i realli feel? i wished my mood wasnt so easily affected..but everytime i see you down..i will feel e same way too...dun fret anymore...im worried even tho i may nt sae it...

season of love

2006-10-09T00:50:00.000+08:00

it jus keeps me wondering...isit e season of love or wat? how cum every1 is either falling into it, fell into it, falling out of it or fell out of it??!?! mayb its e age ting....at e fine age of 20..i guess its realli e time 2 experiment wif the ever complex L.O.V.E.....but i guess dun meddle wif it until u r ready 4 it 2 mess your life up and den still having u being able to remain compose bout it..
smthg which i came across n it left quite an impression on my mind till 2dae...

L: is for the way you Look at me
O: is for the Only one i see
V: is Very very extraordinary
E: is Even more den anyone that you adore...

...sometimes when we touch..the honesty is too much..and i have to close my eyes and hide...i wanna hold you till i die...till we both break down and cry...i wanna hold you till the feeling in me subsides...

random thought?

2006-10-04T18:58:00.000+08:00

as i was on e bus back home from sch...a tot struck me while i was stoning away...
'dun keep struggling and resisting urself...stop n take a look ard u..u will get it when u calm down n tink properly wat u wanna do'...it feels so real...like as tho sum1 was saying dis rite into my ears...cld it be God speaking?

Home

2006-09-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

its good 2b home...im finally back home! no more dreadful hall stays..no more homesickness! yeay! i havent really been so relieved 4 sucha long time...guess being back at home is e best remedy 2 all e problems n headaches tt r revolving my life man! n 2dae is e best day in my entire 2 months in NTU becoz....
1) i dun hafta stay in hall anymore..
2) it recess nxt week = no school! (yesh!)
3) i got my 1st A grade in uni 2dae
4) i got 2 A grades in a single day...
ive no idea how i got e A grades but i realli thank God walking me thru dis realli bad time of my life..i realli qns n doubt God a lot of times in dis 2 mths but i guess since im here already...i tink God has brought me thru it..at least 4 half a semester (better den nothing wat!) up till now im still not over e wonderful surprise though! thank God! hahahaha...of coz i wun forget all my frens 4 listening 2 my nonsense n whines every nite....esp 2 amanda n barney....

thanks aman for e company almost every nite in hall...i noe its realli far 4 u 2 walk all e way 2 my hall but u still did it anyway...i realli appreciate e effort n time spent together toking...it has been great time studying together n i realli wun noe how 2 survive hall stay w/o u! thanks gal..love u lots!

thanks barney for always calling me 2 tok whenever im down n out...i nv fail 2 scare u many times in dis 2 mths but u still entertained my crap everytime...well rachoo noes u wun 'zhong se qing you' indeed...hahaha...u've proved urself!! hahaha...dunno wat else 2 sae 2 u except thank you...thank you n a million THANK YOUs....love u lots too....

as for e many of you whom im did not mention...u r not forgotten...jus tt its a bit too long 2 thank everybody here....i jus wanna sae i thank you for being here 4 me all dis time....

stubborn?

2006-09-16T16:27:00.000+08:00

its pretty weird tt i can be so accomodating yet stubborn at e same time..no matter wat everyone tells me i jus refuse 2 listen..yup i may agree but i jus like 2 do tings my way...n dis stubborness of mine is driving me up e wall..in a worse sense...2 my grave...
i mus hold on 2 my values n promises..i mus not relent 2 my own selfish wants n realli consider 4 others..i mus learn 2 flare when im pissed...coz i tink accumulated anger n frustration causes depression...

for now..im jus waiting 2 go home...e feeling of leaving hall for home is realli gd..ive been waiting 4 dis day 2 cum since my 1st nite in hall...i hope tt after gg home, it will be a fresh beginning for me...done n over wif all e depression n moodswings...rid off all e stupid tots in my head...in search of happiness..e old days where things were much simpler..when i was much more innocent..everything was jus there and then...i realli wan happiness..can u gif it 2 me?

down & out

2006-09-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

im depressed...im so sorrie if i havent been acting rational or normal recently..i cant help it..i hate e way im behaving nowadays...i hate e way i dun wanna tok 2 pple...i hate e way im slowly becoming an introvert...i hate e way i dread gg 2 sch...i hate e way i hafta put on wif my workload..i hate e way i hafta eat alone...i hate e way i hafta study all nite long in hall...i hate living such a life...please....is dere a way out?

the paradox of life

2006-09-06T18:01:00.000+08:00

its weird how i always go ard saying i dun haf enuf time 4 so many tings yet i still manage to find e time 2 blog...week 5 into uni life...e supposedly fun time isnt workg out 4 me...i see it as more of a stress time...sociology is smthg tt nv occur to me b4...one of my tutors said, 'the study of social science is a shortcut to maturity'...how true is tt? isit y im feeling so 'off' nowadays...coz im beginning 2 realise that e world isnt wat i always tot it seem 2b...as e saying goes 'ignorance is bliss'...perhaps to me...i tink rather that 'innocence is bliss'....i cant seem 2 explain y im feeling so down all dis time...since e day sch started...my life has taken a 180 deg change...i need my keys to happiness...where r u? a new term i learnt in sociology....'anomie'..also known as 'normless-ness' among e pple in e world 2dae...we dunno wat we've gotten ourselves into and we dunno wat is expected of us...its a 'lost' feeling tt u feel all e time...isit bcoz e more i noe..e more depress i get...or isit bcoz knowledge is pouring in too fast.. too sudden...too much 4 me to accept...

struck by lightning

2006-08-31T01:38:00.000+08:00

sumtimes dis jus hits me..in fact most of e time when im alone..esp when its at nite..esp when its raining..esp when i hafta read all those crappy readings n analyse them...my mind jus simply slips away...n it goes rite to the same ting everytime...guess its time 2 realli gif up on dis whole ting..its causing me 2 lose focus on my studies..*tho kinda easier said den done*...but i wld rather regret 4 now...den 2 regret 4 life...i hope im making a rite decision...i hate 2 do dis..i dun wanna do dis..but den i dun tink i haf much of a choice..there seem 2b no way out...i nv realli knew how u felt...but i tink 4 once dis time..i shld listen 2 how i feel instead...

The Ra Vinci Code

2006-08-28T01:08:00.000+08:00

on a happier note dis time...let me introduce 2 e world wat exactly is e RA VINCI CODE (RVC)...ready for e intellectual challenge?!? den go on n read (for most of the part u will not understand)...ahahahaha....

1) The 'ABC's in the RVC is equivalent to the numbers '1,2,3....,9,10'..so in order to actualli decipher wat the conversation is all about...u gotta noe wat represents ONE, TWO, THREE,....,TEN (Five marks a very impt point..BEAR TT IN MIND!)

2) The Esplanade is a SACRED place..

3) The taxi is the best mode of transport for SIGHT-SEEING (apart frm a car!)

4) The Grand Cathay is a good hangout place...watching movie is GOOD for health! (so is eating popcorn, nachos, ben&jerry's, snapple, etc)

5) SMU is e place to build ur confidence level

6) Escalator rides make pple go nervous tt they usualli cant ans PROPER questions! (i.e. I.S.A)

7) unspoken is NOT equal to non-existence (so ASK about everything...DO NOT ASSUME..coz for all u may noe is tt juicy info seeps thru all e time!)

8) NYDC's food is bad for health

9) The Host is sum1 who say things first (details 2b spared)

10) Shijie = Barney (indeed its NUMBER TEN!)

11) 'walau' n 'walau eh' has inter-changable meanings in different context!

12) Do not drink bandung in front of ur fren after 12 midnight coz it will cause u 2 suffer frm e 'say-wrong-things' symptom..ahahah *censored*

P.S: Courtesy of my shijie for providing all the wonderful citations, references, examples, whatever...hahaha...(and for those of u whu still doesnt haf a clue about wat u jus read...it doesnt matter..after all dis is a private matter..not a JOKE!)

baptism

2006-08-20T23:35:00.000+08:00

today marks a new chapter of my life..i went thru water baptism..an experience of a lifetime without a doubt...a new lease of life....embarking on a new journey on another level wif God...i was indeed very happie 2c my whole family coming down 2 show me their support...its encouraging...n i thank God for tt...however i tink i cant seem 2 find peace within myself frm God....y is tt so...isnt gg thru baptism smthg tt makes pple jump for joy...y am i feeling so sick, tired n depress 2 sum extent....is it a combination of factors tts making me feel e way im feeling...e harsh reality of the world....i dun even noe if tt statement stands for me....coz i dunno is dis all an illusion or a reality altogether...

notes frm a smaller island

2006-08-16T22:55:00.000+08:00

who said university life was carefree and fun? who said A levels were the worst exams tt u take in ur entire life? who said u dun hafta put in much effort in univerisity? WHO SAID ALL THOSE THINGS! do u noe how much im suffering in school..i've never done so many readings in my ENTIRE LIFE...i've never go without proper meals like e way im gg now...i've never attended so many lectures n tutorials and feel like slpg in all of dem..i've never felt so lost during lessons...for those whu noe me well enuf...im always ahead of e grp in terms of academic pursuits..i try 2 understand all my stuff b4 i attend lessons...now im like way way behind time...always struggling 2 get my readings completed b4 lectures start...but it seems like e more i read...i confuse myself more...dis sux terribly! and a thrust into hall life is making things worst! i miss home so badly i wanna go home...but bcoz of e fact tt i've a nice n beautiful room...its making me haf 2nd tots too...haiz....God speak to me...wat am i suppose 2 do now...its jus so depressing 2 lead sucha no-life kinda life....where r all my mahjong, ktv, buffet, shppg, gossips, movie kakis? i miss all of u so much!

homesick

2006-08-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

sch has officially started...but i tink my brain is still left at home...hibernating...honestly sch is realli sickening...2 add on oil 2 e fire...hall life is even worst...its making me miss home like crazy...im ever more den sure...im leaving hall after dis 1st semester comes 2 an end...im a homesick gal...always tot tt i was independent...but not until now...oh God..pls help me get pass dis sem in e fastest possible time...i wanna go home...

hall life

2006-08-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

welcome 2 hall life...suppers, gossips, heart2heart toks, slpg in e wee hrs of e mrng, zombified during lessons, long lunches n dinners, bath n den slp!! dis is basically wat i concluded outta hall life after 2 days 1 nite in hostel...i wld sae its altogether an experience of a lifetime..a life which i indeed long after but still....I MISS HOME! there is no where like home man...its like when dere is nuthin 2 do at home...its called slack...but 2 me...when dere is nuthin 2 do in hostel...its called loneliness...yup i luv e company of my gd frens, my fellow freshies, my seniors...i haf all e freedom i care about in e world...but i definitely wld luv it more at home...ahahhaha...no worries...i tink its nt long b4 i withdraw frm hall...ahahah..mayb after 1 sem...i miss everybody..seriously i dun quite like life in university...everything happens in a split second n b4 u noe wat is actually gg on...its all over...time 2 move on! well...time will help me 2 get use 2 dis i hope...i'll do my best n pray 4 God to do e rest...help me forget all e unhappiness n get life moving on...n i noe i still haf so many other tings 2 catch up wif...

some updates

2006-08-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

haf been feeling much better dis few days..mayb i realli managed 2 convince myself tt hall life is gg 2b fun..but still it doesnt quite change e fact tt sch is startg soon n i dun wan it 2 start...when i was workg i dreamt of gg back 2 sch everyday..now tt work has ended for me...i dread gg back 2 sch...so now u see how contradicting i can get yea...okie sch aside...smthg has been bothering me very much recently...i dunno y it hits me so badly when i noe it shldnt be e case..but sum tings jus cant be explained rite..guess so..i havent felt so burdened in such a long time...n once again dis same sucky feeling is back...n dis time double e blow...i dun quite seem 2 understand myself a lot of times..when its time 2 do wat im supposed 2 do...i cant seem 2b able 2 bring myself 2 do it...n yup now i dunno wat im saying too..nvm...aniwae everything aside...

BARNEY...no i mean "SHI JIE".....u better tell me "STOP IT" (sensual manner)..im waiting 2 here frm u realli SOON...heeheez...WAHAHHAA..ya noe only u can amuse me at this period of time...so a fren in need is a fren INDEED!

a feeling of uncertainty

2006-07-31T21:47:00.000+08:00

ok dis sounds lame but im realli feeling very lost outta a sudden...i dun like dis feeling...a feeling tt u dunno wats ahead of you n yet u r still supposed 2 go ahead wif e decision made initially...sch is startg soon..n im gg 2 stay in hall frm nxt week onwards...stayin in hall has been 1 of e greatest appeal but right now at dis moment...i feel like i realli wanna back out...is dis university blues tt im suffering from?!?! dere seem 2b so much chore to go thru jus 2 stay in hall..not to mention my roomie has withdrawn frm uni coz she is gg sumwhere else 2 study...tt isnt e most decisive factor 2 me..but e tot of having 2 miss home realli sux! no doubt i got e hall i wanted...e newest, nicest n aircon hall...wif e best facilities in e entire campus....but i seem 2 haf lost e spirit...e enthusiastic hall spirit within me...i had to miss my hall camp coz of my injured back...n even up to dis moment i still harbour intentions about gg 2 nus....yup dis shld nt be e case but wat 2 do...its nt tt i wanna feel dis way...i cant control my tots and feelings either...i hate e way im feeling now....i realli hate it.....it feels so difficult 2 convince myself tt i wanna stay in hall...but can i sae 'no thank you' instead? its e point of no return (for e time being)....n u noe wat....whenever dis sudden feeling of lonesome hits me...i wanna cry...i realli feel like crying...n dis sux....

shaggy

2006-07-31T16:13:00.000+08:00

i jus came back frm ntu union camp n i mus sae it was e best camp i ever went...SHAGGY ROX! the ghost walk was 1 event which i'll never ever forget...wahkaoz...scared e living hell outta me..even tho u cannot believe it but i was REALLY SCARED...walking ALONE into sum unknown place in total darkness n suddenly greeted by sum1 dressed totally in white holding a red lantern...pls imagine e rest urself...summore now is e 7th month...WAH....*shivers*

of coz not forgetting all e lame games we had 2 play n also e nonsense forfeits we had 2 do...even tho it was total embarrassment 2 perform sum task in public but on hindsight it was those crap tt made dis union camp e most memorable...i was totally shagged but i nv regretted being there! sad thing was i cldnt be involved in all e water games if nt dis cld haf been greater fun! i got 2 know 2 bunch of crazy n fun-loving peeps whom i'll never forget...n seniors too...always there for us..never ever showed a slight hint of fatigue....jus like an energiser bunny! if it wasnt for u all...camp n shaggy wld nv haf been e same...even tho i hurt my back in dis camp...its alrite...its worth all e trouble of being unable 2 squat n bend for e time being! thank you shaggy!

ssshhhhh

2006-07-02T14:32:00.000+08:00

ever wondered e sudden serenity tt mite come knocking at ur door when u keep confessing in guilt n den sum1 puts his fingers on ur lips saying "....ssshhhh...dun say a word...."

smthg tt touched me..

2006-06-25T21:51:00.000+08:00

i read a book called 'Tuesdays with Morrie'..n i realli love it..dere was smthg which Morrie said which i wld love 2 share n it goes like dis.....
"Life is a series of pulls back n forth. You want to do 1 ting but u r bound to do smthg else. Something hurts u yet u noe it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you noe u shld not take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle. So which side wins?"

"Love wins. Love always wins."

rejected

2006-05-28T00:33:00.000+08:00

the crucial moment of opening e letter arrived dis mrng..i felt like as though e sky fell down on me when i realised it was a rejection letter frm NUS..feels like im being slapped across e face wif a veri rude shock..gosh..i noe its nt e time 2 ask y has dis gotta happen 2 me..i shld realli go n appeal n get all e help i can possibly get 2 get my bum into NUS..but..dere is jus a BIG BUT tt has been running ard my mind e entire day..i tink i somehow lost e interest n fire within me..i dun seem 2 be any more desperate 2 get into NUS..however a little part of me within has yet 2 gif up..i noe i wld regret if i dun try...however im also veri restless at e same time..i shld haf seen dis coming..i jus chose 2 run away frm reality n hence receiving a wake up call dis mrng...how does it feel when u check ur application status daily only 2 find e same old 2 words of "application processing"..but suddenly 2dae it becomes "entry denied"..how i miss those same old 2 words..disappointed n upset..after all dis yrs of hard work..dis is wat i get in return..now we noe y life jus isnt fair..in fact nuthin was meant 2b fair rite frm e start..

my upcoming 20th bdae

2006-05-03T00:24:00.000+08:00

hmmm...jus sum random tots running thru my mind..will be upcoming 20th birthday be an extremely memorable one?!? i jus cannot help but wonder..ahahaha..was rather touched by yichuang (aka my pencil at work!!) when she actualli gathered all my gd frens cum colleague at kino 2 celebrate my bdae on e 11th may..my pencil is always so sweet..ahahaah!! daddy is also throwing a buffet dinner feast 4 me on my bdae itself..e feeling of having my whole extended family celebrating my bdae is kinda gd..even tho its nt here yet..i jus noe tt its gg 2b gd coz i always enjoy e company of my entire family..its so fun and so much warmth!! well well...my sister gang is meetg me on e 21st of may since every1 including myself is so busy wif work and stuff..no choice but 2 haf a belated bdae celebration..but it realli doesnt matter coz 2 me as long as i haf all of ur company..its 1 of e best gift i can ever haf yea!! hmm..barney leh?!? ahahhaha..i dun care arh..as e years go by..i believe barney will be better in springing surprises...ahahahha...so im waiting!!!! WAHAHAHHA!! as for all e other people tt have been up in my mind all dis while..i wun expect too much in case i suffer a greater disappointment..but of coz a little hope still holds in my heart..perhaps u will never ever chance upon dis entry but if u ask me..i wld sae dis is ur best chance ba..so jiayou 2 whom it may concern..ahahha!

change

2006-04-25T21:41:00.000+08:00

ive always detested changes in my life..and dis time its no difference..i do feel it coming once again..i dunno why but i jus feel tt much as i wish to get out of e crap job asap..i tink i will miss a lot of my colleagues..much as i wish 2 start univeristy life asap..i tink i'll grow sick of it in no time.. sigh..damn sick of a life tt has bcum like a routine..i din dislike smthg tt i do so much until now..i guess work jus makes me sick..tokin about sick..i tink im getting into serious trouble wif my health..i jus found out tt my iron level in my blood has been falling..and tt has been e main cause of all my occasional dizzy spells..and also causing me to not be able to do my quarterly blood donation on a regular basis..damn crap man..e doc says its due to insufficient nutritious food intake and insufficient rest for my body..i noe i haf myself 2 blame..even tho so..i dun tink i can do anything 2 improve e situation till 30th june..e day i quit my job...sigh..i cant wait 2 leave spore for my taiwan trip..another 2 mths plus..if everything goes well and if e trip succeeds..i'll bcum a bankruptcy when i return 2 spore..but i dun care..as long as i get 2 go on a holiday where i get 2 eat, shop and sleep and do nuthin else..ahahahaha..

2006-04-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

i haf a problem wif my stupid section chief..i realli cannot stand her..and now i need an outlet to swear..dis shall be it.."DAMN YOU..u tink wat..section chief veri big la..u can tok on e bloody fone as and when u like it and so i cannot take a break to check my sms for tt bloody 1 minute la isit? haf a problem wif me den cum n tell me straight into e face la..y go thru so many pple and let others cum n tell me wat u dun like tt im doing..ya..i dun gif a damn..i'll do whatever i wan..jus sack me if u r not happie..u tink i care?!?! (i doubt u even haf e right to do so!) i dun bloody owe u a living..ive been tolerating all dis months..wat a hypocrite u r..how scheming and despicable u r..tink u r so popular in e office..jus look and see how many of ur colleagues detest u bcoz of ur back-stabbing plots everyday at work..do u ever noe how much i wan to slap u everytime i see ur bloody face at work!! wait till u noe how im related to ur boss..WATCHOUT BITCH!"

desperate time

2006-04-19T00:40:00.000+08:00

life hasnt been a bed of roses for me recently..i dun like wat im doin but yet i hafta convince myself tt its all i can do for now..i detest working life..but bcoz of e money motivation (which is fast dying away) i hafta carry on wif life dis way..bcoz i feel so obligated since my mother is my boss's gd fren! oh Gosh..i shld haf expected such a situation to take place since e 1st day i accepted e shitified job! *worried* uni application is still pending..my future is still uncertain..of coz im nt saying tt once i get into uni my future will be super bright..but at least tts a start..now i dun even noe if i ever haf a chance to get near tt start line..i noe i shld learn 2b contented tt if i get into NTU i shld gladly accept my chance..but any1 ever tot of wat about my NUS? wat about my childhood aspirations? y haf i been working hard all year long for? its definitely not bcoz i wanna do sociology at NTU or social science at SMU...i wan to get into NUS..my arts and social science..oh gdness jus gif tt chance to me!! i will do anything 2 jus get into NUS..donate money..donate time..community svc..donate computer...WHATEVER..i noe im tokin nonsense..but dun blame me..coz desperate time calls for desperate measures...